Blame vs Responsibility - Why it matters
People seem to fall into two categories - those who blame themselves and those who are blameless. The former individual takes on responsibility for events or matters that aren’t theirs to own, either as a way to make sense of the senseless or they’ve been told something is their fault. For example, a person who has experienced sexual assault may blame their clothing, being under the influence of a substance, or being alone with someone as a way to try and assimilate why something happened in order to establish a sense of control. It’s understandable. We want to understand something so we can ensure that never happens again. However, this our brain doing a little bit of wonky thinking in order to try and protector future us. Yet the facts are; perpetrators will act irrespective of clothing, daylight or any other feature as they’re the ones responsible for their actions - Not the person assaulted.
Too often children are raised in households where they’re told they’re the problem, in one way or another. A child may be chastised for being ‘too sensitive’ or ‘because they did X, that’s why their angry parent hurt them’ and then the child takes on a sense of ‘if only I hadn’t…’, and internalising a sense of ‘I’m bad’. Those children grow up to be adults who take on responsibility for how others are feeling, often prioritising others over themselves - and sometimes to a detrimental cost.
Why does this matter? Well, when an individual takes on blame that isn’t theirs, they exist in the world as a smaller, dimmer version of themselves. (Hello past me, who apologised to table legs when I accidentally kicked them…) They may silence or edit themselves in order to feel (and even be) ‘acceptable’ to others around them, as there’s a fear of being hurt or rejected again. These are all very sweeping statements I hear you cry. Yes, they’re observational, and condensing thousands of hours of clinical practice into a few sentences does seem rather reductionist. But I want to convey the reason this matters is because those individuals aren’t to blame, it isn’t, wasn’t and never will be their fault that others hurt them. That showing up as their authentic, sensitive, compassionate selves is worth the difficult, painful work we undertake in EMDR. And that they aren’t alone.
Professional finger pointer…
As for the blameless. They’ll present with a victim mentality - and don’t tend to access therapy! The blameless are those outside the therapy room, the caregivers, authority figures who never took responsibility or accountability for the harm they caused. Those with a victim mentality are eager to point blame onto an individual, a psychological finger pointing that temporarily alleviates their own sense of shame at their behaviour. If the self-proclaimed ‘blameless’ can blame someone else, it often means those being blamed take on the shame the blameless are so eager to relinquish.
So… ‘how do I know if I’m someone who has taken on responsibility that isn’t mine or if I’m in a victim mentality?’ This is often the puzzle client’s will present and the fact they ask that question illustrates that they’re someone who takes on responsibility, as don’t shy away from taking any appropriate accountability for their actions - Because they question it. Those with the victim mentality take a one-up position, they’re right and everyone else is wrong or does wrong.
In Gestalt therapy, the interplay of language, expression and creativity allow us to break down the idea of responsibility a little further. In EMDR therapy, those who take on blame, can move into a position of taking responsibility for what is theirs (and only theirs). They become able to respond to the world from a place of now and not ‘then and there’, response-ability. So, how in the case of domestic violence or sexual assault does an individual take responsibility?! Isn’t that the same as blaming them?! No and no. In EMDR therapy, to take responsibility is for the client to see how their actions ensured their survival, that they did what they need or even had to do in order to experience hope of something different. They don’t take on the blame from those who harmed them. It’s moving from the position of ‘It’s my fault’ or ‘I should’ve…’ to knowing in every part of their being that ‘It’s not my fault’ or ‘I did what I could…’. In the cases where a person is called ‘too sensitive/too much etc….’, it’s taking responsibility that they felt feelings - and that’s OK. If their caregivers, those in authority etc, couldn’t bear witness to the client’s feelings, it doesn’t mean that feelings aren’t meant to be felt.
When we can map how our adult self was influenced and impacted by the past, it allows us firm ground to develop changes. Knowing that we responded in a particular way in childhood, teenhood, adulthood, in order to survive is also confronting that those things aren’t happening now.
That the blame isn’t ours to hold.
As an EMDR therapist writing a blog post, I have a biased lens on EMDR and that it can be a way of kickstarting the healing process of moving from the ‘there and then’ into the ‘here and now’. But I also don’t make false contracts or promises with people. If I didn’t know it worked (and there’s a ton of research now to back this up. Thank you nerdy folk), then I certainly wouldn’t work in this way. These posts are part of my evolving thoughts and experience, and as such may develop as my own awareness changes. If there is something that has stood out to you, then my invitation would be to reflect on what that is and how it’s important to you. And if what I’ve said has resonated in some way and you’re considering whether EMDR is for you, then I’d encourage you to reach out to a trained practitioner.
